


James and Jack Don’t Like the Games They Play

by LivetoDream333 (orphan_account)



Series: The Mastermind and the Guardian [1]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies), Torchwood
Genre: Also Time Lords mate for life, Alternate Universe, Bananas, Because they are good, Broken TARDIS, Crack Crossover, Flirting, I Don't Even Know, Jack/Q kiss, James and Jack do not get along, James/Ianto kiss, Jealousy, M/M, Mentioned Foursome, Q is the Doctor's cousin, Time Lord James, Time Lord Q, Time Lords, Torchwood doing what they want, What Was I Thinking?, duh - Freeform, ish, just saying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-19
Updated: 2015-05-19
Packaged: 2018-03-31 06:31:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3967984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/LivetoDream333
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Torchwood catches a spike of energy in MI6 and goes to investigate. James and Jack fight and flirt over each other and their own men.<br/>I don't even know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	James and Jack Don’t Like the Games They Play

**Author's Note:**

> I have no clue why I wrote this, I just did.  
> I don't own anything except for an idiotic brain.

James and Jack Don’t Like the Games They Play

 

Jack walked through Q-Branch without any regard or care, his team following behind him. “Scan everything, the signal came from around here.”

“What in the hell are you doing in my branch?” Q demanded.

“Hello, gorgeous.” Jack turned and smiled at Q. “Captain Jack Harkness, we’re from Torchwood, we have to go through some of your things.” He had a scent that was warm and inviting, making Q want to lean in.

“Why?”

“You don’t get to ask Torchwood why.”

“I do since you’re in my branch.”

“Ooh, you are a feisty little fire-cracker. I would love to see if you’re feisty in more than just your workspace.” Jack winked.

“Jack, whatever it is it’s on this floor.” Ianto commented, looking up from a device. “It isn’t active but there is still some energy in the air.”

“What are you looking for?” Q asked with a small smile.

“Has anything strange happened here?”

“Aside from a Torchwood investigation? No.”

“Anything unusual show up?” Jack asked, stepping forward, a flirty smile on his face. Ianto sighed and shook his head, rolling his eyes.

“No.”

“How certain are you of that?”

“Very, I practically live here. If something new showed up I would know.” Q nodded.

“Have I mentioned that you are adorable?” Jack asked, running a hand down the back of Q’s neck.

“If that’s your way of trying to get my cooperation you don’t need to do it.”

“Oh, but it’s so much more fun this way.”

“I’m sure it is. Have a look, you won’t find anything because there’s nothing here.” _Nothing but me._ Q thought. “Look all you want, but do be careful what you touch, I have enough people breaking my things as it is.”

“Thank you, darling.” Jack pressed a flirty kiss to Q’s lips and ruffled his hair as he walked by. “I love the hair by the way, so soft.” He winked as he continued his search.

“He’s always like that,” Gwen sighed, patting Q on the shoulder as she walked by. Q shook his head and started back for his office, but he didn’t make it down the hall before James had him pressed up against the wall, lips pressed firmly against his. Q smirked against his lips before they pulled away.

“Possessive bastard.” Q smiled when they pulled apart.

“He doesn’t get to touch you…no one does.”

“I like it when you’re jealous.”

“Is that why you let him do that?”

“I didn’t let him do anything.”

“Who is he?”

“Torchwood, he’s Torchwood.”

“What’s he looking for?”

“I got a bit of power out of my TARDIS and he must have been able to follow it in his lair somehow.”

“So he kissed you. Wait, you got power out of the TARDIS?”

“Yeah, he’s…he was never truly dead…just really close to dead. I managed to coax a little bit more life out of him, but…I’m working on it, working on bringing him back to life.”

“With your genius.”

“I may be smart, but the TARDIS is a living breathing thing and more damaged than anything I’ve ever encountered. It’s going to take more time. We crash landed fairly hard upon arrival.”

“So I heard, but you teleported me off the ship before we landed.”

“I wanted you safe.”

“Idiot…” James shook his head and kissed Q again. “Was it just me or did you notice the man in the suit didn’t seem too happy with the flirting?”

“Oh dear god…”

“Payback.”

“You’re lucky I don’t get jealous.”

“That’s my job, darling.” James winked and strode off, finding Ianto and flashing his smile at him.

“Oh god…” Q shook his head and headed to his workstation. He didn’t see the fist thrown ten minutes later, but Ianto wandered over to his workstation and leaned against the wall.

“Do you have to deal with this all the time?”

“Yup.”

“Condolences.” Ianto sighed. He turned and held his hand out to Q. “Jones, Ianto Jones.”

“Q, just Q.” Q shook his hand. “Tea?”

“Love some.” Ianto sighed, walking with Q to the small kitchenette. He reached for the glasses reflexively.

“Let me,” Q sighed.

“Um, sure…god no one’s made me tea for a long time.”

“I don’t let anyone make my tea. I’m very particular.”

“Alright.” Ianto shrugged, leaning back and looking at the two Alpha Males arguing as Gwen and Owen tried to calm them. Tosh stood back, biting her lip. Not a single minion got up, they knew better.

“Here you are.”

“Thank you… You find it strange that they get in a huff when someone flirts with us but they flirt with everyone?”

“Not anymore, been too long.”

“Feel like decades?”

“Millennia more like.” Q commented dryly. Ianto scoffed, having no clue that Q was being honest.  He took a sip of the tea and smiled.

“Well, this is quite good, thank you.”

“You’re welcome. So you came all the way from Cardiff?”

“How did you know?”

“Please, with my position I know a lot more than people give me credit for.” Q sighed. “AMY! Is this a banana muffin?”

“Yes, overlord.” A minion nodded.

“Can I have it please?” Q pouted.

“Go ahead.”

“Thank god, bananas are good.” Q stole the muffin from the countertop and began to unwrap it.

“That’s a lovely pen.” Ianto commented, seeing the pen in Q’s pocket. It was an ornate, bronze fountain pen with clockwork gears engraved on it.

“Thank you,” Q smiled. He’s TARDIS had helped him build it, his sonic pen.

“It looks like they’re about to head out, sorry for the intrusion.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Lovely tea.”

“Thank you,” Q smiled.

“Good luck with yours.”

“They’re jealous, should be a good night for us if yours is anything like mine.”

“Good night indeed, just hell to deal with in the daytime.” Ianto sighed.

“Don’t I know it? But at least mine doesn’t have fifty-first century pheromones.” Ianto looked at Q with a raised eyebrow. “I bet it’s impossible to argue with him smelling like that.”

“Yeah.”

“Take care of yourself and have fun. I need to go, missions to run and all that. Keep the tea.”

“You take care of yourself too.” Ianto nodded and watched as Q walked away.

“Alright you two, break it up, play nice. James, go to my office.”

“Not leaving you with him.”

“All these years together and you are still insecure? Get your ass in my office.”

“But—”

“I outrank you. Office. Now. Or deskwork for the next year.” James pouted and walked off.

“I get tingly when you get that take-charge tone.”

“Get out, I’m busy and show that man of yours a good time, alright?”

“Yes, sir.” Jack winked, slapping Q’s ass as he left with his team, getting one last jibe in.

“Alright, Torchwood has left the building, can we please get back to work? Check on 006 for me, I need to deal with James.”

“Are you locking your office down?”

“Something like that, don’t tell M.” Q winked. None of the minions were surprised when the glass in Q’s office went black a moment later, tinted and impossible to see through—Eve had tried everything.

800Q8

“Ianto…you’re quiet.” Jack commented.

“It’s just that man…Q. He said something weird.”

“Weird how?”

“He said you had fifty-first century pheromones. How would he know that?”

“You could have told us sooner Ianto, dammit. A normal person wouldn’t know that.”

“Way to go tea-boy.” Owen rolled his eyes.

“Don’t be rude to, Ianto.”

“Oh, wait, I forgot you two were shagging, which apparently means he’s off limits when he does something stupid.”

“Owen.” Jack warned one last time as he turned around.

“Yeah, yeah…” An alarm went off and Tosh rustled through her bags, pulling out her laptop.

“What is it?”

“Holy shit.”

“Tosh, what is it?” Jack demanded.

“We’re being hacked.”

“That’s not possible.” Gwen commented.

“Apparently it is. I can’t even do anything, it’s just an alarm in the system and… Do you think that man could do this?”

“I’m not so sure he’s a man, but he’s my best guess.” Jack nodded. “Can you confirm that he is still at MI6?”

“Confirmed.”

800Q8

“Why are you hacking them?” James asked, his head in Q’s lap.

“Jack Harkness is wrong and I intend to find out why?”

“Because of the…weird timeless sense around him?”

“He’s like a hole in the fabric of reality, it’s a pain in my head just to look at him and you should feel the same way.”

“I was more worried about him making a move on my mate than what he is.” James sighed.

“Holy shit.”

“What?”

“Running facial…do you see that?”

“Is that a police box?”

“That Jack got on. He’s been with the Doctor. Maybe that’s why he’s so…strange.”

“The Doctor? You’re cousin?”

“Yeah.”

“Does he know we survived?”

“I doubt it since he never stays in one spot long and we have a broken TARDIS so communicating isn’t the easiest thing to do.”

“So he thinks he’s alone… Must be terrible.”

“It is, if I could tell him I would. He shouldn’t be alone.”

“Aw big cousin is being protective.”

“Always was.” Q smiled down at James, but James sat up and kissed him. “I’m just glad you aren’t alone…I can’t imagine you being alone. I’m glad I tagged along.”

“I am too. You probably would have blown up half the universe if you were alone.”

“Good thing I’ve got you then.”

“You sap.”

“Only with you.”

“For almost a thousand years…that’s a big number.”

“You’ve got me for forever, love.”

“Then you need to look after yourself. You’re on your fifth life, my love.”

“It isn’t my fault you’re only on your third, we don’t all live without fun.”

“I have you what other fun should I ask for?”

“Now who’s the sap.”

“Fuck off.” Q shoved him affectionately. “I’m going to go work on our baby, do you want to come and lounge in the console room?”

“Yes, please. It feels like home in there.”

“Same here, come on.” Q stowed his laptop before grabbing James’ hand and leading him down the stairs. They walked down the hallway together hand in hand, heading for a blank wall.

“Hands up.” James instantly pushed Q against the wall, standing in front of him as they faced down the Torchwood team. “Don’t move or I will shoot you.” Jack snapped.

“What the hell is going on?” James demanded.

“Your boyfriend is a problem, come out from behind him, now.”

“Q.”

“Sh, I’m alright…” Q slowly stepped out from behind James, hands up. “What do you want?”

“I want to know how you know about me and what the hell you’ve got hidden up here.”

“What are you talking about?” Q asked.

“Fifty-first century pheromones. How did you know that?” Ianto asked, his voice less angry than Jack’s.

“Oh…right.”

“What are you? Time traveler? Alien? Jumping through the rift? Monster?”

“Three of the four, actually.”

“You’re coming with us.”

“I’m not.”

“And how are you going to swing that?”

“Time Lord.” Jack froze and slowly lowered his gun.

“Doctor?”

“I’m his cousin. My name the Mastermind.”

“That’s humble.”

“And is my dear cousin still saying that he passed his tests? Lord knows I had to end up taking them for him, the damn idiot.”

“The Time Lords are dead.”

“We skipped out before the fireworks blew… They wanted to use me and my mate to do terrible things. They were using him against me and me against him. They wanted us to destroy everything…they needed my head to make it work. I escaped and grabbed him and a TARDIS, but they got us before we squeezed out. We barely made it and our poor TARDIS is nearly dead. The last spike you had on your meter, was the first spark of life we’ve seen in him for years.”

“Prove you’re a Time Lord. Maybe I could just shoot you.”

“Over my dead body—again.” James stepped in front of Q. A familiar sound filled the air and a blue light glowed for a moment, Jack’s headset shocked him.

“Ow.”

“Sonic pen.” Q shrugged. “You could just step onto my TARDIS, I have enough low level functioning to give you a scan of my chest, which would tell you I’ve got two hearts.”

“Two hearts…and he does too?”

“Yes, just, come inside, alright?”

“Inside where? It’s a dead-end hall—oh, clever.”

“What, Ianto?”

“Perception filter.”

“Exactly, I knew I liked you.” Q smiled, pulling open a door none of them had seen. Inside of the supply closet was a wardrobe. Q opened the doors and they all stepped into a large room, a control room.

“Oh my…it’s bigger on the inside, that’s mathematically impossible.” Tosh commented.

“Not if you have a—”

“Q, you’re doing the math thing again, what have I told you about the math thing?”

“It’s geeky…”

“Exactly.” James smiled, kissing his temple.

“Inside a wardrobe, poetic.” Ianto commented.

“It was what it last blended in as before he half-exploded. He protected us and…now he’s bleeding, dying. You know if I could get ahold of my cousin, I could fix him. Save him like he saved us.”

“You’re just like your cousin. He was obsessed with his beautiful machine too, only he calls his”

“A ‘her’ and ‘sexy’ on occasion.” Jack looked at James and raised an eyebrow. “We’ve met. Mates in our culture are more like family than just an addition.”

“Is there any possible chance we could come to Torchwood. I could use your rift and hotwire it a bit to get ahold of the Doctor.”

“Not a chance in hell you’re messing with it.” Owen snapped.

“I’m not going to make any mistakes, if anything I’ll make it better. I’m a genius even by my people’s standards. Nothing will go wrong, I just need to send a message to the last time I spotted him, he’ll get it then and show up at the space time co-ordinates that I send him.”

“And he’ll just show up?” Jack asked.

“Does he ever say no to anonymous invitations? Plus, I’ll send it in Gallifreyan, he’ll love that. He won’t be able to resist.”

“Fine, but I’ll be watching you.”

“Of course.” Q agreed.

“And aren’t guns not supposed to be a thing for Time Lords.”

“The Doctor doesn’t like guns, but there were warriors on Gallifrey. I was one of them.”

“What’s your name then?”

“The name I chose was the Guardian.”

“None of them are very modest are they?” Owen asked with a scoff.

“They were the highest race in all the universe across all of time. I’m pretty sure they have a right to smugness.”

“But they’re all dead.”

“Three remain.” Q corrected. “Oddly one of them no one thought would live very long and this one’s only alive because I make him stick around. What can I say, I’m a dick, but he loves this dick.”

“I would too.”

“Jack…” Ianto shook his head.

“Can I kill him?”

“Darling, what have we talked about?”

“Only threats of England or the human race, but surely he counts.”

“James…”

“Yes, Q…”

“Whipped…” Owen commented.

“That makes two in the room.” Q raised his eyebrows at Jack. Jack smiled.

“Well, shall we escort you to Cardiff?” Jack purred, loving the way James’ fist tightened. Then it loosened and he smacked Ianto on the ass, making him jump, before wrapping an arm around him.

“No, we’ll catch up, Q needs to grab a few things outside of his pen, and take down a list of what the TARDIS needs first.” James smirked.

“We’ll see you there then.” Jack smiled pulling Q into a devouring kiss. And Q kissed him back, threading his fingers in his hair, pulling him closer.

“Q!” Q pulled back, licked his lips and smirked.

“Look, you two are having a pissing contest and if someone is kissing me, I’m not going to let that go to waste. You are a fantastic kisser by the way.”

“Thank you, darling.” Jack winked.

“You are going to get it.” James glowered at Q.

“Is that a promise, baby?”

“Why don’t all four of you just go get your issues out together?” Owen suggested. Tosh covered her mouth. Q blushed lightly, and Ianto shrugged.

“I don’t share.” James insisted.

“You just did,” Jack sighed. “See you soon.”

“I’m going to kill him.” James said as soon as they were gone.

“Mmhm…or we could have some fun. I mean, you’ve had this stint of polyamory—”

“For missions, it means nothing.”

“Could be fun though, couldn’t it?” Q smirked. The door cracked open and both of them looked. Ianto poked his head it.

“It could be fun, get there when you can, we’ll send the other’s home and…you may want this.” He tossed an object and James caught it.

“A stopwatch?”

“Well, there’s lots of things you can do with a stopwatch.” He winked and closed the door.

“I like him.” Q grinned.

**Author's Note:**

> Much Love.


End file.
